Let me tell you, it really does wear on a person to hear so many stories from people. As a waitress I regularly was privy to having people tell me things as varied as work success to marital strife. Getting trapped in some of the conversations was absolutely no fun at times and was part of what started to wear on me at the job. That and having the just met you/story of my life conversation multiple times a night. I can wrap up my life story neatly in about 1.2 minutes...how many kids I have, how I ended up in Vermont and yes, I am fine with the snow.
But the thing is, my life story is more than that and it is constantly changing. The people around me are constantly changing. Not just the two I gave birth to, but people that are anchors in my life. One dear friend who is going through a divorce is unexpectedly pregnant...by what I kinda thought was the transitional guy I introduced her to. One friend is really in a low spot and not sure where she goes from here and I have another friend who is making some choices that may not be in her best interest. And then there is me...
So, I am going to start this conversation like I did ten years ago when I started weeping in a postpartum haze at Carol's house. Just dump it out. And maybe some of y'all will have some experience because you know I am the baby of the group and this baby is looking over the ledge at forty and not sure where to go from here.
What do I want to do with the rest of my life? Sometimes I think it would be so easy to have another baby and get back into the rhythm of that life of naps and nursing and story-time. There are a couple of problems with this - 1. Thane is not on board - I mean, Gennie just graduated from college and he really doesn't want to start all over again. 2. I repeat - I am almost 40 and not the 25 year old I was when I had Parrish. 3. I like going skiing in the middle of the week and not having anything to do with any one's bathroom activities. But I don't think I will ever not miss the feel of a baby in my arms and at my breast. I loved that period even if it was so physically draining. There is a real draw to go back to what is familiar and cozy.
However, I am thinking unless I want to leave my husband and start the dating process again this is not an option. So, I knew that it was time to quit the restaurant gig, but I am not really sure what I want to do now. I know I need to have some purposeful work that involves people. I know that I love where I live now, but could move again if need be...I am just in the middle of figuring it all out. My kids don't need me so much anymore and I don't want to latch onto their successess and life to find my own sense of value.
My dear friend at the restaurant gave me a book I just finished reading "Dancing Naked at the Edge of Dawn" by Kris Radish. Go get it if you are in this place with me. I did so much underlining and dog-earing of that book it is ridiculous. I have tried to say yes to life, but am not quite sure what I should be saying yes to right now. So...this is my current plan (because for some reason right now I seem to need one) I am going to start studying for the LSAT in August and plan take it in October. Do I want to be a lawyer? I'm not totally sure. How the hell would I get to law school (the closest being an hour and a half away) and raise my children while my husband is gone all week? I don't know the answers to those questions, but I do know I can study for a test and give myself some options.
The other interesting thing is that I am feeling very anti-social. I want to sit in my own personal coccoon of self-reflection and navel gazing. Yesterday our good friends had a BBQ and I only stayed for about an hour. I explained it to Thane like this "I picture myself in the center of a circle with a big windshield wiper blade wiping everyone away from me - sometimes someone can get in, but pretty soon they'll need to leave me be when the blade comes by again". I know part of it is processing change. I have to ruminate and grieve it - yes, even if it was just a waitress job. There is a lot that goes on into working some place for so long and everyone know that a restaurant is a really disfuctional family. I divorced my family.
I do know one thing I am going to do for sure. Skinny dip at night at the local snowmaking pond. There's the end of the over-share.
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